My Truth: Finding Myself, Again – A Journey of Rediscovery

I go about my life as I always have.  On the outside everything is the same.  I dress the same.  My hair is the same.  I drive the same car, and talk to the same people.

On the outside, I pretend that everything is normal and nothing has changed.  But on the inside, it’s all I think about.

To my kids’ teachers or the neighbor down the street, I am still the same.

But I feel like a fraud.

I feel like I am living an image that is no longer me.  I still want it to be me, but as the days pass I am finding that I might never get back there.

I’m still living the same life, but with blurred edges.  A life between two existences.

No one outside my family knows that my husband lost his job a year ago.  I’m not good at sharing my problems.  It’s not my way.

No one knows how odd I feel inside.

I feel like I need to continue to put up this front.  A front that says, Hey, I’m one of you.  I belong, really, I do. 

But then there’s another side that says, You aren’t one of them anymore. 

I don’t think it’s all about the money because I’ve gone without less in my life.  A lot less.

I think I just let myself slide into an existence that was not truly me.  And now I’m coming back out of it slowly, finally realizing it now, even though I was yanked from it a year ago.

I slowly find myself reconnecting with the old me.  The me that came up from nothing.  The me that learned the value of a dollar at a very young age.  The me that cut my teeth on hard work and frugality.

It’s hard not to feel like I’ve been knocked down a peg or two.

But at the same time, I am rediscovering my survival instincts.  I’m rediscovering my fortitude in tough situations.  I’m rediscovering my long-dormant ability to hustle and take care of business.

I am rediscovering myself.

In time, I hope to find my place again.  A place where I am at-ease and sure of my decisions, though I know that’s tough for anyone.

In the meantime, I’ll feel my way blindly along a new path.  I’ll do everything I need to for my kids to feel secure.  I’ll do everything I can to help my husband as he feels his own way along this path, too.

With change comes growth.  And with change comes pain.  But with change also comes realization and truth.

With change comes the real me.

10 thoughts on “My Truth: Finding Myself, Again – A Journey of Rediscovery

  1. Wow Amy…with the exception of being married and having kids, I think we’re going through very similar situations right now! I know how challenging it can be when your spouse is unemployed and navigating the world…I am also being forced to remember those “survival skills” that I developed early on in life and brought me this far. Keep your head up girl!!! This too shall pass. And I’m always here to encourage you🤗

    1. I know you have so much going on. But your strength always shows through. It’s very inspiring, seriously. I’ll keep my head up if you keep yours up. 😛 Thank you so much, Joezette!! <3

  2. Your post got to me today. That feeling of not feeling right, not feeling wrong, but just not knowing what that feeling is, if that makes any sense at all. I am with Joezettee though, you are strong, and you’ve got this. I’ve felt lost, within myself, is the only way I know to describe it. You will find your stride, you will conquer and you will be even better “you” than before. God bless you 🙂

    1. Aw, thank you! It’s true, it’s very hard to explain the feeling. But I’m sure many people experience it, and come out the other side even better. Thank you again! 🙂

  3. There probably are a lot of people that experience “it” but it doesn’t help when you’re going through it, does it? 🙂 So, have your feelings, be true to you. Don’t beat yourself up because that’s the easiest thing for us to do. You will see the light at the end of your tunnel, and when you do, you will know what path to take to get you to that light 🙂

    1. Thank you. Took me quite a while to decide to hit the publish button on this one. I kind of went back and forth on actually putting it out there.

      Thank you again. 🙂

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